Every couple fights. Every single one. If someone tells you they've never had a disagreement with their partner, they're either lying, in a brand new relationship, or one person has completely surrendered their voice. Conflict is not the problem. Conflict is actually a sign that two real people with real opinions are trying to build something real together.
But there's a canyon of difference between a fight that brings you closer and a fight that tears you apart. And most people have never been taught how to do the first one, so they default to the second.
What Fighting Fair Actually Looks Like
Fair fighting isn't calm, rational debate. Let's kill that myth immediately. You can raise your voice. You can get emotional. You can be frustrated, hurt, and upset. Fair fighting isn't about suppressing your feelings. It's about expressing them without weaponizing them.
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Analyse My RelationshipThe principles of fair fighting are surprisingly simple. Living them out when you're activated and angry is the hard part.
Stay on topic. One issue at a time. The moment you bring in last Tuesday's argument and that thing they said three months ago and the time they forgot your birthday, you've left the realm of productive conflict and entered the courtroom. You're building a case instead of solving a problem.
Use "I" statements. Yes, this is therapy 101 and it sounds cliché. It also works. "I feel dismissed when you check your phone while I'm talking" lands completely differently than "You never listen to me." The first one invites empathy. The second one invites defense.
Attack the problem, not the person. "This situation is frustrating" is fair. "You're so frustrating" is personal. "We need to figure out a better system for chores" is productive. "You're lazy" is a character assassination. The distinction seems small. The impact is enormous.
Take breaks when needed. If you feel yourself crossing a line, if the anger is getting so hot that you're about to say something you can't unsay, stop. Say, "I need 20 minutes to calm down and then I want to continue this conversation." That's not avoidance. That's strategy.
Repair after. Fair fights end with some version of reconnection. Not necessarily agreement. Not necessarily resolution. But a mutual acknowledgment that we're on the same team, we hit a rough patch, and we're going to figure it out together.
What Toxic Arguing Looks Like
Toxic arguing has a completely different goal. Where fair fighting aims to solve a problem, toxic arguing aims to win. And when winning becomes the objective in a relationship, both people lose.
John Gottman, the psychologist who spent 40 years studying couples, identified what he calls the "Four Horsemen" of relationship apocalypse. They show up during toxic arguments like clockwork.
Criticism. Not complaints about behavior but attacks on character. "You forgot to call the plumber" is a complaint. "You never follow through on anything because you're irresponsible" is criticism. One addresses a situation. The other dismantles a person.
Contempt. This is the worst one. Eye rolling. Sneering. Mockery. Sarcasm designed to belittle. When you look at your partner during an argument with disgust instead of frustration, you've crossed a line that's extremely hard to uncross. Gottman calls contempt the number one predictor of divorce. Not because it's the loudest form of toxicity, but because it communicates something devastating: "I think I'm better than you."
Defensiveness. When every piece of feedback is met with a counter attack or excuse. "I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't..." Nothing ever lands. No accountability ever sticks. The defensive partner has an invisible shield that deflects everything, and their partner eventually stops trying to communicate at all.
Stonewalling. Complete shutdown. Silence. Emotional withdrawal. Walking away. Giving the blank stare. Stonewalling often happens when someone is overwhelmed, so it's not always intentional cruelty. But the effect on the other person is devastating. They're essentially talking to a wall, and nothing is lonelier than fighting with someone who refuses to be present for it.
The Patterns That Kill Relationships
Toxic arguing rarely stays contained. It develops patterns that compound over time.
The kitchen sink fight. One issue triggers an avalanche of every unresolved grievance from the last six months. You came in wanting to talk about the dishes and somehow you're now relitigating your partner's relationship with their mother. Nothing gets resolved because everything is on the table and nothing gets focused attention.
The pursue and withdraw cycle. One partner pushes for resolution right now while the other retreats. The more one pushes, the more the other shuts down. The more they shut down, the more the first partner escalates. It's the arguing version of the anxious avoidant trap, and it's just as destructive.
The scorecard. Both partners are keeping mental tallies of who wronged whom, and every argument becomes an opportunity to even the score. "Well, you did this last week" becomes the response to every legitimate concern. Nobody is listening. Everyone is accounting.
The character trial. Instead of addressing specific behaviors, the argument becomes about who someone is as a person. "You always" and "you never" become the foundation of every sentence. The message isn't "this bothered me." The message is "you're fundamentally flawed."
How to Know Which Side You're On
Here's a quick diagnostic. Think about your last significant argument and answer honestly:
After the fight, did you understand your partner's perspective better? If yes, that was fair fighting. If no, something went wrong.
During the fight, did you say things specifically designed to hurt? Not things that happened to hurt because the truth can be painful. Things you chose because they would inflict maximum damage. If yes, that's toxic.
Did the fight end with some kind of repair, even if it was just a quiet "I'm sorry we fought like that"? Or did it end with silence, slamming doors, or someone sleeping on the couch? The ending matters. Fair fights can land roughly but they resolve. Toxic arguments just stop, with nothing actually addressed.
Do you fight about the same thing repeatedly without progress? Recurring arguments aren't inherently bad. Gottman says about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they never get fully resolved. But there's a difference between revisiting a persistent issue with good faith and having the same toxic blowout every three weeks with no movement.
The Repair That Changes Everything
Look. Even the healthiest couples occasionally slip into toxic territory. Nobody fights fair 100% of the time. You're human. You get tired, stressed, triggered. You say things you shouldn't.
What separates healthy relationships from toxic ones isn't the absence of bad fights. It's the presence of repair. It's the ability to come back after the damage and say, "I was wrong to say that. That was unfair. I'm sorry." And mean it. And follow it with changed behavior.
Repair is the single most important skill in any relationship. More important than never fighting. More important than perfect communication. The ability to acknowledge harm, take responsibility, and reconnect after conflict is what keeps relationships alive through the inevitable rough patches.
LoveCheck can help you evaluate whether your conflict patterns are trending toward fair or toxic, and whether the repair skills in your relationship are strong enough to sustain it through the hard conversations that every partnership requires.
The Bottom Line
Fighting is not the enemy. Fighting badly is. Learn the difference between a fight that resolves something and a fight that just damages people. Your relationship depends on it.