The Questions Whose Answers Predict Whether Your Relationship Will Survive

In the 1990s, psychologist John Gottman did something that sounded impossible. He watched couples interact for just fifteen minutes and then predicted whether they'd still be together years later. His accuracy rate? Over 90%.

Ninety percent. From fifteen minutes of observation.

He wasn't psychic. He wasn't guessing. He was looking for specific patterns, specific dynamics, specific answers to questions that most couples never think to ask themselves. And decades of research since then have confirmed what he found: relationships don't end randomly. They follow predictable patterns. And those patterns show up long before the final fight, the packed bags, or the tearful "I think we need to talk."

This article isn't about scaring you. It's about giving you the same lens that researchers use so you can see what's actually happening in your relationship while there's still time to do something about it. Because the scariest breakups aren't the ones you see coming. They're the ones where both people say, "I had no idea it was that bad."

They did have an idea. They just weren't asking the right questions.

The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs Turned Into Questions

Gottman identified four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with terrifying reliability. He called them the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let's turn those into questions you can actually use.

Criticism: Are You Attacking Character Instead of Addressing Behavior?

There's a world of difference between "you forgot to take out the trash" and "you're so lazy and inconsiderate." The first is a complaint. The second is a character assassination. Every couple complains. That's normal. But when complaints mutate into attacks on who your partner is as a person, that's criticism. And it's poison.

Ask yourself:

• When I'm frustrated with my partner, do I address the specific behavior or do I make sweeping statements about their character?
• How often do I use the words "you always" or "you never"?
• When my partner makes a mistake, is my first instinct to address the mistake or to judge the person?
• Does my partner feel safe making mistakes around me, or do they walk on eggshells?

If you're being honest with yourself and the answer to that last question is "eggshells," that's not a minor issue. That's an alarm bell.

Contempt: Do You Still Respect Each Other?

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Not anger. Not conflict. Contempt. It's the eye roll during an argument. The sarcastic comment disguised as humor. The feeling that you're better than your partner or that they're beneath you in some way.

Gottman found that contempt is fueled by long simmering negative thoughts about a partner. It builds slowly, through hundreds of small moments where frustration goes unexpressed and turns into resentment, and resentment turns into disgust.

Ask yourself:

• Do I genuinely respect my partner? Not love. Respect. They're different things.
• When my partner talks about something that matters to them, do I listen with interest or with impatience?
• Have I ever mocked, belittled, or ridiculed my partner, even "jokingly"?
• When I think about my partner, is my default feeling warmth or frustration?
• Do I speak about my partner to others with admiration or with complaints?

That last one is revealing. Pay attention to how you describe your partner when they're not in the room. If it's mostly negative, mostly venting, mostly "you won't believe what they did this time," contempt has already set up camp in your relationship.

Defensiveness: Can You Take Responsibility?

Defensiveness is the natural response to criticism. When you feel attacked, you protect yourself. That's human. But in relationships, chronic defensiveness means that no complaint, no matter how lovingly expressed, ever lands. It bounces off. And the partner raising the issue starts to feel invisible, unheard, and eventually hopeless.

Ask yourself:

• When my partner brings up something that bothers them, what's my first response? Listening, or explaining why they're wrong?
• How often do I say "but you also..." when receiving feedback?
• Can I apologize without adding a justification?
• Does my partner feel heard when they raise concerns, or do they feel like they're talking to a wall?
• When was the last time I said "you're right, I messed up" without any caveats?

The ability to receive feedback without immediately deflecting it is one of the most underrated relationship skills in existence. It's also one of the hardest. But couples where both partners can say "I hear you, and I'll work on that" have a fundamentally different trajectory than couples where every conversation becomes a courtroom defense.

Stonewalling: Have You Checked Out?

Stonewalling is withdrawal. It's the person who shuts down during conflict, goes silent, looks away, or physically leaves the conversation. And while it might look like they don't care, what's usually happening is the opposite: they're so overwhelmed that their nervous system has gone into shutdown mode.

But the effect on the other partner is devastating. Because to the person trying to connect, stonewalling feels like abandonment. It says, "You don't matter enough for me to stay in this conversation."

Ask yourself:

• When conflict escalates, do I shut down or stay present?
• Does my partner ever say they feel like they're "talking to a wall"?
• Do I use silence as a weapon or as a way to avoid discomfort?
• When I feel overwhelmed in a conversation, do I communicate that or just disappear emotionally?
• How often do important conversations go unfinished because one of us checks out?

Attachment Style Questions: Are Your Patterns Compatible?

Beyond Gottman's work, attachment theory offers another powerful lens for predicting relationship outcomes. Your attachment style, which develops in childhood and shapes how you behave in relationships, is one of the strongest predictors of whether a relationship will be satisfying or chaotic.

There are broadly four styles: secure (comfortable with intimacy and independence), anxious (craves closeness and fears abandonment), avoidant (values independence and is uncomfortable with too much closeness), and disorganized (a confusing mix of wanting and fearing intimacy, often rooted in early trauma).

You don't need to be a psychologist to figure out where you land. But you do need to be honest.

Ask yourself:

• When my partner pulls away slightly, is my instinct to give space or to pursue harder?
• Am I comfortable being emotionally dependent on someone, or does it make me feel vulnerable in a way I hate?
• When there's conflict, do I move toward my partner to resolve it or away from them to protect myself?
• Do I sometimes test my partner's love by creating situations where they have to prove it?
• Am I more afraid of being abandoned or of being smothered?
• When my partner wants to talk about feelings, do I feel drawn in or do I feel an urge to escape?

Here's the thing about attachment styles: they're not destiny. But they are the default settings you bring into a relationship. An anxious person paired with an avoidant person creates a classic push and pull dynamic that can be agonizing for both people. It's not impossible to make it work, but it requires both partners to understand the pattern and actively work against their instincts. Without that awareness, the pattern just repeats until someone breaks.

The Ratio Question: Is Your Emotional Bank Account in the Red?

Gottman found that stable relationships maintain a ratio of roughly five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Five to one. That's the magic number. It means that for every criticism, every argument, every moment of frustration, there need to be five moments of affection, appreciation, humor, or connection to counterbalance it.

Ask yourself:

• If I tallied our positive and negative interactions this week, which way would the scale tip?
• When was the last time I expressed genuine appreciation for my partner without being prompted?
• Do we laugh together regularly?
• Does my partner feel more praised or more criticized by me?
• Are our daily interactions mostly warm or mostly transactional?

This ratio isn't about being fake positive. It's about being intentionally generous with your warmth. Because in long term relationships, the default often drifts toward neutral at best and negative at worst. Maintaining the five to one ratio requires conscious effort. And most couples who end up splitting had let that ratio slowly, imperceptibly slide into negative territory months or years before the breakup.

The Repair Attempt Question: Can You Come Back From a Fight?

Every couple fights. That's normal. What separates couples who last from couples who don't isn't whether they fight but whether they can repair after a fight. Gottman calls these "repair attempts," and they're any effort to de escalate tension during or after conflict. A joke to break the tension. A touch on the arm. Saying "I'm sorry, let me start over." Even a silly face.

The crucial factor isn't even the repair attempt itself. It's whether the other partner accepts it or rejects it.

Ask yourself:

• After a fight, who usually initiates the repair? Is it always the same person?
• When my partner tries to lighten the mood during an argument, do I meet them there or do I stay angry?
• How long do our cold wars last?
• Can we recover from a bad fight within hours, or does it linger for days?
• Do I accept my partner's repair attempts, or do I punish them for trying?

If repair attempts are consistently rejected, the person making them eventually stops trying. And when nobody's trying to fix things anymore, the relationship is running on fumes.

The Big Picture Questions

Finally, there are the sweeping, existential questions that get to the heart of whether this relationship has a real future or is just running on momentum.

• Am I staying because I genuinely want to be here, or because leaving is harder than staying?
• Do I feel like my partner brings out the best version of me, or have I lost parts of myself?
• Do we share a vision for the future, or are we just coexisting in the present?
• If I'm being completely honest, do I believe we'll still be together in ten years?
• Am I growing in this relationship, or have I plateaued?
• Would I choose this person again, knowing everything I know now?

That last question is the one that matters most. And it requires brutal, unflinching honesty. Not "would I choose them because we've built a life together and it would be complicated to leave." Would you choose them? The person, the dynamic, the relationship, all of it. If the answer is yes, with real conviction, then whatever challenges you're facing are worth working through.

If the answer is hesitation and silence, that's worth paying attention to.

What to Do With These Answers

If reading this article made you uncomfortable, good. Discomfort is data. It's telling you that something in your relationship deserves attention. And attention, when applied early and honestly, is how you prevent the slow erosion that most breakups actually are.

These questions aren't a relationship death sentence. They're a diagnostic tool. Like checking your engine light before the car breaks down on the highway. Tools like LoveCheck exist for similar reasons: to help you see the patterns before they become problems, and the problems before they become permanent.

The couples who make it aren't the ones who never have issues. They're the ones who spot the issues early, talk about them honestly, and do the work. Every single time.

So don't just read these questions. Answer them. With yourself first, and then with your partner if you're brave enough. Because the relationship you save might be the one you're in right now.