35 Values Questions That Reveal Whether You Are Actually Compatible or Just Attracted to Each Other

Here is a truth that romance movies will never tell you: attraction is a terrible predictor of long term compatibility. You can be wildly, magnetically drawn to someone whose core values are the complete opposite of yours. And for a while, the chemistry will be strong enough to paper over every fundamental disagreement. Until it is not.

Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has consistently shown that value alignment is one of the strongest predictors of relationship longevity and satisfaction. Not shared hobbies. Not physical attraction. Not even personality compatibility. Values.

Because values are the invisible architecture of your life. They determine how you spend your money, how you raise your kids, what you tolerate, what you celebrate, and what you fight about. When two people share core values, the daily friction of life together is manageable. When they do not, every mundane decision becomes a battlefield.

So let's find out what you each actually believe. Not what you think you should believe. What you actually believe when nobody is watching.

Questions About Core Personal Values

These are the non negotiables. The principles that define who you are at your deepest level. Most people have never articulated them clearly, which is exactly why they need to.

• If you had to choose three values that define how you try to live your life, what would they be?
• What is more important to you: honesty or kindness? And what happens when they conflict?
• How important is personal growth to you? Is it a priority or something that happens naturally?
• Do you believe people have a fundamental obligation to help others, or is self focus acceptable?
• What does integrity mean to you in everyday life, not just in big moments?
• Is there a value you hold that has changed dramatically over the past five years?
• What value were you raised with that you have chosen to reject?

That honesty versus kindness question is a litmus test. Some people believe truth should always come first, even when it hurts. Others believe protecting feelings is a form of love. Neither is wrong. But if one of you values radical honesty and the other values diplomatic kindness, your communication styles will clash constantly until you understand the root cause.

Questions About Relationship Values

What do you believe a relationship should be? What role does it play in your life? These beliefs, often unconscious, dictate everything about how you show up as a partner.

• What do you believe is the most important ingredient in a successful relationship?
• How do you define loyalty in a relationship? What does it look like in action?
• Do you believe your partner should be your best friend, or is that an unrealistic expectation?
• How much independence should each person maintain in a committed relationship?
• What do you think a couple owes each other? What is obligatory versus optional?
• How do you feel about sacrifice in relationships? Is it noble or does it build resentment?
• Do you believe relationships require constant work, or should the right relationship feel mostly effortless?

Now, let's be real. That question about work versus effortlessness divides people sharply. The "relationships take work" camp and the "it should feel natural" camp are both partially right. Good relationships require effort, but the effort should not feel like suffering. If you are white knuckling your way through every week, that is not dedication. That is a red flag.

Questions About Moral and Ethical Values

This is where things get interesting. And potentially uncomfortable. Because moral and ethical values are deeply personal, often tied to upbringing and identity, and can be a source of profound connection or quiet disconnection.

• Where do your moral principles come from? Religion, philosophy, personal experience, or something else?
• Is there an ethical issue where you hold a strong position that most people around you disagree with?
• How do you feel about white lies? Are they ever justified?
• What is your view on forgiveness? Is everything forgivable with enough time?
• How important is fairness to you? Do you keep score in relationships?
• What would you do if you witnessed someone doing something wrong? Are you the person who intervenes?
• How do you handle moral gray areas where there is no clear right answer?

The forgiveness question is massive for couples. Because at some point in every long term relationship, someone will do something that requires genuine forgiveness. Not the performative "I forgive you" that is really just suppressed anger. The real kind. If your partner believes some things are unforgivable and you believe everything can be worked through, that difference will matter enormously when the time comes.

Questions About Lifestyle Values

Values are not just abstract principles. They show up in the concrete choices of daily life. How you spend your time and money reveals your actual values far more accurately than anything you say out loud.

• How important is health and fitness to you? Is it a core value or a "when I get around to it" thing?
• What role does ambition play in your life? How driven do you expect your partner to be?
• How do you feel about material possessions? Do you value experiences over things, or both?
• What does work life balance mean to you? Where is the line?
• How important is community involvement to you? Volunteering, religious community, neighborhood?
• What does a well lived life look like to you on a practical, daily level?

But here is the kicker. People will tell you their values, and then their calendar and bank statement will tell a completely different story. If someone says family is their top value but works seventy hours a week, there is a gap. Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but definitely a conversation worth having.

Questions About Shared and Conflicting Values

The goal is not to find someone who shares every single value. That person probably does not exist. The goal is to know where you align, where you differ, and whether the differences are livable or dealbreakers.

• Where do you think our values align the most?
• Is there a value I hold that you disagree with but have not mentioned?
• What values do you think we need to share for this relationship to work?
• Are there values you are willing to compromise on and others that are non negotiable?
• How do we handle it when our values directly conflict on a decision?
• Do you feel like our values have grown more aligned or more different over time?
• What is one value you wish I prioritized more?

And honestly? That last question takes guts to answer. "I wish you valued quality time more." "I wish you valued financial responsibility more." "I wish you valued my perspective more." These are the things people think but rarely say. Saying them, kindly and honestly, is what separates couples who grow together from couples who quietly grow apart.

If you want a clear picture of where your values actually overlap with your partner's, tools like LoveCheck are designed to surface exactly that kind of insight. But the conversations that follow are where the real compatibility is tested.

Values are not static. They evolve as you experience life. The couple who checks in on their values regularly, who has the courage to say "I think I have changed" and the grace to hear it, is the couple that makes it. Not because they agree on everything. But because they respect each other enough to keep asking.